ASIAN KIDS DON'T WANT TO BE LAWYERS OR DOCTORS, SAYS NEW SURVEY
Survey Surprises Parents; Law, Medicine Branded as "Passe" and "A Bloody Waste of Time"
LONDON - A controversial new study by the University of Leeds in the UK has revealed that most children of Asian parents do not want to be lawyers or doctors.
The university conducted a poll of 1,503,911 persons of Asian ethnicity in the cities of London, New York, Los Angeles, Toronto, Hong Kong, Perth and Singapore. Over 99 per cent. of those polled claimed that their parents wanted them to be lawyers or doctors; of this group, about 56 per cent. went on to law or medical school in order to fulfill parental expectations.
"This comes as a shock to us," says Dr. Stanley Nichols, a sociology professor at Leeds who lead the survey. "We were under the impression that Asians urban youth all over the world naturally tended towards these professions and had no idea that they were simply complying with external pressures."
"It's an outrage," says Mr. Kensington Cheung, Chairman of the London-based Asian Parents Coalition. "We only encourage our children to be lawyers or doctors because that is what they really want to do with their lives. The Leeds survey is yet another indication of the extreme ways in which the pan-Atlantic Western liberal front tries to discredit Asian talent."
"They are obviously reacting against the fact that Asians now make up huge groups in their most prestigious law and medicine schools and are in fact competing with them for high-paying jobs," Mr. Cheung adds. "That Dr. Nichols at Leeds probably studied sociology because he couldn't get into medical school."
Mr. Cheung is the Chairman of Barclays Bank's Asia Capital Division and was previously a solicitor for a top UK firm. "I didn't want to go to law school initially, but you have to think ahead. How are you going to afford to send your child to law school if you don't make some sacrifices to your personal happiness?"
When asked why it was important that one send one's child to law or medical school, Mr. Cheung said he had forgotten the reason, but it was a "tradition that was passed down from my ancestors".
Mr. Bobby Park, a Korean American lawyer and founder of the Los-Angeles-based group, LOCA (Leave Our Children Alone), agrees. "The academics at Leeds had no business interviewing our children without our permission.
"The survey attacks what is essentially the core of every Asian identity. Whitey is in trouble now."
They put ideas in our children's heads and keep them from the best jobs." Mr. Kim, by the way, insists that his first name is not and was never "Robert".
Mass demonstrations by Asian parent groups are expected to be held outside the University of Leeds this weekend. The groups are expected to protest the survey's results. This would be the first time in the history of Asian parents in the UK to actually stage any kind of public protest, as they are usually not the complaining sort. Evidently, the Leeds survey has struck a nerve.
"The survey attacks what is essentially the core of every Asian identity," says Shintaro Iwai, a Japanese student in London who participated in the survey. ³Whitey is in trouble now."
When asked why he felt being a lawyer or doctor was important, Iwai said, "Who else is good enough to marry those Asian girls?"
"I keep telling my parents, being a lawyer isn't an honor in America. I want to be a documentary film-maker. I mean, how many lawyer jokes are there? Have you ever heard a documentary film-maker joke?"
One of the Asians who responded to the survey, Nina Ngyugen, describes the parental reaction as "typically histrionic".
"I think most of the world's population agrees that the last thing we need is more lawyers," says Ms. Nguyen, 20, a junior at University of California at San Francisco. "The lawyer-doctor thing was a sick cliché twenty years ago, and we're still being told to choose between the two professions. Enough is enough."
"It's so passe," complains Deborah Hwang, 40, who enrolled in film school after practising law for fifteen years just to "PMP" (Please My Parents). "I keep telling my parents, being a lawyer isn't an honor in America. I want to be a documentary film-maker. I mean, how many lawyer jokes are there? Have you ever heard a documentary film-maker joke?"
Mina Chatterjee, 22, agrees. "My parents want me to be a doctor, yet they never want to go see a doctor when they are sick. Huh? And anyway, the last person you want to see when you are ill is a doctor who only went to medical school to please her parents. I believe that's why medical care sucks in this country." Ms. Chatterjee plays in the Canadian National Women's Curling Team.
Asian author and Complainer-in-Chief, Fifi, 29, offered her usual race theories. "I blame it on colonialism. Look closely and you will see that people who were previously colonized by white masters want to be white themselves. How do they do so? By adopting the most highly-visible professions of the whites, such as being lawyers and doctors. Another way of becoming white is to become extremely materially well-off. Which explains why nobody ever adopts the other high-profile colonial master occupation, the missionary. That's really too bad."
Should more Asians become religious leaders?
"We can use more of them, sure," says Fifi. "If you look at any war or big crisis, you'll see that only the missionaries stay behind to help. The lawyers and doctors get the hell out. If there is anything Asian kids should aspire towards, it's the priesthood of some major Eastern religion. That's what put us on the map in the first place. Or if you want to be a doctor, go be a vet."
Fifi is training to be a yogi in Bhumaputra Sanctuary in Kathmandu. After completing her yogi-hood, she plans to open a retreat for retired elephants in Siem Reap and fund it by teaching yoga.
She claimed that her law practice, adopted to please her parents, was a "bloody waste of time".
"Don't go to law or medical school," says Fifi, adopting downward dog. "It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good."
This article is fictional and not to be taken seriously. It is written by someone who has had too much time in her hands ever since she quit being a lawyer to write and to satirize the world.