ARE YOU A HORSE FACE?
Dr. Wanda Knows*
Dr. Wanda knows many different things about your health and well being. And she has many friends who think so too. Dr. Wanda is intrigued by the questions our institutions of medicine fail to address. Here we will chat all about them. Please don't write or call to suggest topics. Dr. Wanda doesn't like it.
ARE YOU A HORSE FACE?
1. Do you have small eyes?
2. Do your eyes sit far apart on your face?
3. Do people politely describe the shape of your face as "thin", "long" or "aquiline?"
4. Do hats tend to be ill-fitting, and fall low on your brow?
5. Are you clutsy?
6. Do you have small ears?
7. Is your chin the least prominent feature on your face?
8. Are your teeth quite large?
9. Do your teeth feel big in your mouth, especially when your lips are closed?
10. Do you hear or have you ever heard certain individuals "neigh" or "winny" as you pass by them on the street?
11. Do you enjoy eating apples?
12. If so, do you eat them messily?
13. Do you have thin/limp hair?
14. Do friends ever say you remind them of Mackenzie Phillips, Todd Rundgren or LaRue from the syndicated television series 'Gidget?'
15. Are you a mouth breather?
16. Do you suffer from extreme nighttime drooling?
17. Are most small children wary of you?
18. How would you describe your laugh?
A.) Choking hack
B.) Nasal wheeze
C.) Heeee Haww, Heeee Haww
D.) Light Twitter
1-6 "yes" answers: You are NOT A HORSE FACE
7-12 "yes" answers: YOU ARE HALF HORSE FACE Just try covering your horsey features. For example, a half horsey friend once constructed a new chin from plaster of paris and anchored it to her head with a shoelace.
13-18 "yes" answers: YOU ARE A HORSE FACE Most plastic surgery or homemade facial features will not help you. Besides the absence of hooves and a mane, not many average folk can tell the difference between you and the homely Eurasian Pack Ass. For it is not only the resemblance of your hammer-shaped visage which makes you horse face, it is also your highly equine behavior that attributes to horse face.
Next installment of Dr. Wanda Knows... healthy raw steak in your underpants
*Dr. Wanda Gilbratian is a semi-private practitioner in the field of hyper-hypotheticology with a specialization in passive-aggressive theory and Banalogy. Dr. Gilbratian solely claims the rights to her name and her experimental-hypothetical and often pretend/made up medical and unfounded psycho-analytical hypotheses/conclusions.