Things That Irritate Me
I was stuck in gridlock traffic on my way to work the other day and I started to compile this list to soothe my nerves.
By Gnitnub Fiel
That God Damn mouse click sound that is in 50% of all TV advertising irritate me.
Those 69 stickers where the nine has it's tongue out and the six has a little round open mouth irritate me. I am likely to be double irritated by these because they are usually teamed up with a Calvin "marking his territory on something" sticker.
Really ugly custom Mexican rides -- the ones with the cheap-ass wings that are a different color from the rest of the car crookedly bolted to the trunk. They also tend to have the chrome Playboy Bunny mud flaps, curb feelers, ugly inverted wire rims and cheap undersized white walls. Then they are usually topped off with a fake boomerang shaped TV antenna on the roof and a bull sticker with really large testicles on the door. I really wonder who would take the time to do this to their cars that irritate me.
Horrendously disfigured Toyotas or Hondas with ridiculous tri-plane spoilers, rocker panel mounted neon lights that illuminate while they are cruising at night, and muffler openings so large that it would take Axel Foley a watermelon instead of a banana to plug. I have also seen these modifications perpetrated on American and German cars as well, which is even more irritating.
Super-duper-ugly-ass white trash lowered Chevy full size trucks that have problems navigating the steep inclines of their track house driveways. By the way, remember those 69 stickers I hate so much?
People with Mullet haircuts irritate me.
Crazy-ass Christians who boycott Halloween because it is a Pagan Holiday irritate me.
Mormons irritate me.
Malls irritate me.
Mini-malls irritate me.
Really, really, really stupid people from Florida who accidentally voted for Pat "Antichrist Buchanan" instead of Al "my wife is a super pro-censorship bitch named Tipper" Gore. Those people irritate me.
The odious, spineless record industry that will not give a band a record deal unless it sounds like every other fucking Matchbox 182 band on the so-called Alternative Radio station irritates me.
Alternative Modern rock that is neither Alternative nor Modern irritates me. The odious, spineless record industry that will not give a singer a record deal unless she is under 14 and stacked.
The Blue Group Man irritates me.
The stupid consumers who actually consume the shit that the spineless record industry puts out irritate me.
Ignorant dumb bastards who kill endangered species, such as Tigers and Rhino's, to make aphrodisiac potions irritate me. There is this thing called Viagra that actually works and does not kill nearly extinct animals you superstitious motherfuckers.
People who cut me off on the freeway in their Range Rovers with cell phones glued to their ears irritate me.
Uncreative rich-ass studio accountants who would rather remake every sitcom and movie from the 70's than actually produce a movie with original content irritate me.
Movie directors who care more about special effects than having a plot irritate me.
All of my friends who use marriage and children as an excuse to leave parties early irritate me.
Those damned Jesus fish stickers with mouths that are eating Darwin fish that say Truth on them. Come on people, evolution is here and it's here to stay, even if some of us are less evolved than others. These God Fearing irritants should really be putting stickers of Ostriches with their heads in the sand on their cars, it would be more appropriate.
Hearing "Stand by Me" at least once every 20 minutes on the local Oldies radio station irritates me.
Spending billions of dollars putting people in jail for nonviolent drug possession charges irritates me.
Spending billions of dollars poisoning coca fields in Columbia irritate me.
Spending billions of dollars on Pokemon merchandise irritates me.
People who ask me for money, like I have any, irritate me.
People who make irritating lists about things that irritate them.
And last but not least the Family Circus comic strip irritates me. It is not funny.