Talking With Trina

Romance troubles? Ask our relationship guru Trina and she'll definitely speak what's on her mind.

dear trina

i like this boy but he won't call me back. i sit outside his apt. every night after work but am too chicken to say hi when he comes home. any advice?

thanks, sara

First off, does he know who you are? You need to make sure he knows your name and your phone number - I usually do this by writing my name and number with HOT RED lipstick on his car windshield. Make sure it's BIG so he doesn't miss it. I prefer lipstick because he can't really use the windshield wipers to clean it off. I'm just sassy like that. Unfortunately, using spray paint is considered vandalism and is punishable with 3 months in the clink. That's how I met my new squeeze Marge, but that's a whole other story.

Sitting on his porch is a good idea, but if he's merely stepping over you to get to the front door, you really should change your passive tactic. Try tripping him, then help the paramedics carry him into the ambulance. You can get some great information about him on the ride to the hospital - pretend you're looking for his insurance info and check out credit cards, id's and photos. If you're lucky, the medics will cut his pants off to look at the protruding bone and you might get a chance to check out his other bone! He may end up not being worth the effort after all... With any luck, you can quickly transfer your focus from this pathetic sniveling loser who's verbally assaulting you on the ride with terms like, "psycho" "stalker" and "call the police" to one of the cute paramedics or the officer who takes you in for questioning. You go girl! Take charge, make him notice you!

Trina

 

Dear Trina,

this is rather embarrassing. my new girlfriend will NOT lead me around on a doggy leash when i ask her to. she's says it's creepy. it's not; in fact, it's fun. i'm not a weirdo. also, she doesn't have email. what should i do?

thanks, kevin

stanton, delaware

 

Dear selfish Yankee pig,

men like you sicken me. I know the games you play. I'm so sick of hearing the constant naggin - "Please use this leash on me," "I really like it when you take charge," "I'd rather you use the riding crop than the whip." All lies to manipulate us modern women into believing that you are actually interested in "deviant" sex, when your whole motivation is to get us to take photos of you playing your little "subservient" roles that you later share on the internet with your friends and family! You think it's cute to dress up like Little Boy Blue and have your diaper changed don't you? If you only knew that women view all you male scum as nothing more than 185 pound toddlers who need to suckle on our breasts, be burped regularly and have your ass cleaned when you shit yourselves...

If you really want your new girlfriend to belittle you like the shoe bottom that you are, try doing the laundry for once! And what the hell is email? Is it what knights used to wear in the days when men knew their place - riding a large horse with a lance.

Just Trina from the Block

 

Dear Trina,

I invited this guy over for dinner but the problem is that I can't cook. I'm a successful attorney in her early 30s, but never learned to make anything other than grilled cheese sandwiches. What should I do when he comes over? Should I just order take away and put it on a plate? I know what I'm going to wear at least. Help!

Cathy

Santa Monica, CA

 

Cath,

I don't know how you can consider yourself "successful" when you're in your 30's and still single. You must be butt ugly or have a personality of an ox. Perhaps your ass has incorporated one too many grilled cheese sandwiches?

Regardless, this man is clearly after one thing and dinner ain't it honey. He's obviously a fool for not hearing your biological TICK-TOCKing away so this may be your chance to trap him into your life long goal - marriage. If you have a half decent body despite the cholesterol sandwiches, serve up some chocolate sauce on your naked body. If you can stand to lose a few hundred pounds, just turn off the lights and have the pillow case embroidered with Brittney Spears handy.

Good luck and please don't breed.

Trina

 

dear trina,

my boyfriend is paranoid. he is always calling me and checking up throughout the day and night when we're not together. i'm not doing anything bad, just doing chores or studying. i was an only child so i like my own time. how do i deal with his paranoia about me? is this healthy? should i talk with him? oh, that's him on the cell phone. gotta bounce.

thanks, camille

Cami,

Sorry I haven't been around sweetie - Trina had to get a little "procedure" taken care of. Now that the monstrosity has been ripped out of my body, I can go back to my pack a day habit.

Anyhoo - let's talk about your little man. I think it's healthy for a young lady like you to have a few stalkers in her lifetime. You can certainly pick up some great tips for your own future stalks! Take notes on times to call, when you're most likely to pick up the phone, how to hide in bushes and travel incognito without being spotted by your true love. Remember, every experience can be positive if you keep your mind open! Good luck with your Valentine!! Hopefully he'll know where and when to surprise you with whatever you want....

Trina with the Weena

HOME